In Need of a Love Resuscitation

Love Resuscitation

 Help Doctor! I think I’m having a heart attack!

I need a Love resuscitation.

Love sucks.

Yeah.

I’m gonna say it again.

Love sucks.

You think everything is going along great, then Boom!

You get wacked upside the head, get your legs kicked out from under you and the guy says, 

"I’m done.

This just isn’t working for me anymore."

Well I feel like I’ve been thrown aside like an old pair of shoes or some dirty socks!

Since when did people become so easily disposable?

In a world where everything is temporary, where dates are so easily accessible via Tinder and all those other apps I don’t even know the names of, and we go through relationships more quickly than the new flavors of Starbuck’s coffee that come on the market, is it any surprise that we go through the people we date so quickly?

Part of me wants to say it’s because us women have lowered our standards and have also made ourselves so easily available through social media.

We give ourselves out so readily to anyone who is a bit attractive, holds a steady job, and shows any interest our way, so men’s egos get artificially inflated and they think they are fucking Gods.

Damn.

You are I are responsible for that.

After reading numerous articles and chapters in books about relationships, I’m more confused than ever.

What is it that guys want?

Do I have to be more seductive? more demure? more mysterious ? more coy?

Act like I don’t give a fuck? Or act like I’m the damn queen of the world and everyone else should worship me?

Why can’t I just be me?

Isn’t that good enough?

They say get in tune with your femininity because that’s what guys like but then act like a guy when you get dumped.

(Meaning basically don’t give a shit and move on like it never happened).

So confusing!

But let’s just for a moment look at it from the other direction.

The easier the access, the more women (or men) we go through, are we really just becoming more satisfied but less fulfilled?

If Fulfillment means a feeling of happiness or feeling complete, are we really being fulfilled by these temporary, superficial dating experience?

Or are we just achieving temporary satisfaction the way one would feel satisfied after a good fuck or a good work out or taking a shower and feeling clean or eating that delicious piece of chocolate cake?

How do we find those true gems out there who will really take the time to know our hearts and truly know us - our wants, desires, fears, needs - and who aren’t just gonna use us as a play thing then toss us aside for the next flavor of the week?

I wish it were easy.

I wish people had internal radars in them that when you got close would ding and tell you which kind of person you are dealing with.

Warning! Warning! Yes, I’m an asshole!! 

I will also argue, that those people who are constantly looking for that temporary satisfaction in their lives, are not truly happy people.

They will spend their whole lives searching for something they will never find.

Because they won’t take the time to really feel completely, to give love unconditionally and without judgement.

They won’t take the time to be selfless and give selfless love.

I will argue that those people are afraid. They are afraid of really loving, truly and deeply.

Because to do so would mean that they would have to be vulnerable and therefore susceptible to hurt and pain.

And I do truly feel sadness in my heart for those people.

So while I feel I have been royally fucked yet again, I am happy to know that I am NOT one of those people.

That I do still have an intact soul and heart, albeit a bit wounded.

I feel like my rib cage has been wound tightly by miles and miles or bandage to the point it has sucked all the air out of my lungs. I cannot breathe.

I want to run, fast and far for the hills.

I want to get on a spaceship and get to the furthest planet possible - preferably to a place where men don't exist.

But for now, all I can do is breathe and pray and go on searching for my beacon of light, because I know he is out there somewhere.

In the meantime, I am going to remove this dagger from my bleeding heart.

I need someone to shock it back to life.

I am in desperate need of a love resuscitation.

"It'll Do" by Rachel Yamagata