Let Love Be.
I spent another night on the couch, by the candlelight, open bottle of wine on the coffee table to enable the words and thoughts to flow
My friend came over.
She told her boy she loved him, and he told her he couldn’t reciprocate.
It would be a Long night.
And I thought, what does that mean, To reciprocate love?
Does it mean that person needs to Love you at the same level, at the same Intensity as you in that moment, at the very same time as You?
And we talked about what love really Is and what ideally love really should be.
Why do we want it to be something we Control like Everything Else in our lives.
Why can’t we just let Love Be?
Why do we get Desperate and Panic when we Can’t Control it?
It’s because it makes us feel like we have lost control of our lives,
that we have lost ourselves in that Abyss of Life and Love
And we are left in a hopeless, empty place that is so sad and desperate that we can’t Bear it.
God sometimes I Hate Love. I Hate the Control it has over me.
I just want to wash it Away, Pick it off like a Pest, A Bug.
I want to tell Love to Leave Me Alone and go find another Desperate Soul to pick on
Some People Fall in Love easily.
Unfortunately I am one of those people.
It’s a defective Gene that some of us carry.
Biology.
Ha. It’s amazing how so much of Who We Are is Determined by a few molecules and Chemical Reactions.
Chromosomes. Can I trade mine in for new ones?
And my friend and I analyzed that too, regarding each other and the People We Loved. Why some people Love so Deeply it seems, and others Seem to regard it as just another event, another Day in their lives, Another Decision, No More important than the Next.
Sigh.
My poor friend. I know Exactly how she feels.
And I saw a flashback of my life as she was talking — all the boys I ever gave my heart to and how many times I had been crushed
But Ironically, it got to the point in my life that I Wanted the Rejection,
I Dared it to Rear it’s Ugly Head. I would Tease it to come Out and Want Blood
I wanted to Fight It, and I wanted a Bloody Fight
I wasn’t Going to Give Up.
Because I knew that Rejection would make me Stronger and Tougher,
Resilient.
I would help me build up Armor Against the Cruelties and Pain in this World.
It’s Amazing how what you experience as a young person and Teenager influences your future, and how the events of your life as a child Shape Who You Become down the road.
The War. Losing my Grandmother and My Cousins and extended family because we Left Our Home.
The Laughter gone, The Childhood Innocence Gone.
Ripped from my Roots and planted into a Harsh, Foreign Place that I didn’t Understand and that didn’t Understand Me.
And my mother said: "We left all the dishes on the Kitchen table that night after dinner, packed 2 suitcases, and Left for America.”
They told me we were going on Vacation.
We never went back. And I felt Betrayed, and So Hurt.
My Heart was Broken. I lost Everything I Ever Loved as A Little Girl.
And that’s the Last Time I would Ever Trust Love Again until I got Married.
And that turned out to be a complete Joke.
And left me Broken-Hearted Yet Again.
And I ask myself, Why do I even bother trying?
Why can’t I just let Love Go? Why can’t it just Let Me Go?
Stop Clutching on! Release Your Talons. Let me be.
Just let me be. Let me cry. Let me be at Peace
And so my friend and I talked. And it was a beautiful, meaningful conversation.
We talked and enjoyed the summer breeze coming through the patio door. There was a chill in the air.
I watched the tealight candle flicker Gently, Urging me to go on, stimulating the conversation.
My friend and I talked about our experiences.
Realizing we are on opposite ends of the Spectrum of Love and Life experiences,
We Laughed and Joked that someday we will meet somewhere in the middle and it will be So Beautiful to see where that Place May Be
And we’ll co-author a Novel about it. And it Will Magical!
High Five! ;)
So What is Love?
And why am I Bearing my Soul to You?
Because I Don’t Care. At this Point, I have Nothing to Lose
My Soul is Crushed. My Heart is Crushed. My Spirit is Deflated
I want to Be A Bird, No Longer Trapped in A Cage
And I just want to Let it All Go, and Fly Free
Because Life is Too Short to hold on to things that are So Deep Inside you, that Need to Come Out and Be Heard
I Live my Life Like an Open Book because that is the Only Way I know How
Ha! Those Damn Genes!
Love.
Somehow We just don’t Let Love be, we Smother it,
Suffocate it like we don’t want that Love to Burn Freely and Wildly.
Just let it be, I whisper to myself, let it be.
Let the Love Go. She will be back one day. She will find you.
She will take your hand. She will look into your Eyes and She will Smile.
And you will know it will be Okay, to Be Loved again and to Love Back
I want to share a passage with you that Opened my Eyes to what my Marriage had become, and What I did that was Wrong in my Marriage.
How I tried to Desperately Hang on when in the Back of my Mind, I knew I just needed to let go but I couldn’t.
The passage is from Shantaram by Gregory David Roberts.
A Caring friend, a Wiser Friend shared it with me. And I am So Glad he did.
It’s a Brilliant Book about Life, Loss, Love, Adventure, Salvation, Redemption, Finding Yourself, Finding God, and Whether There is a God and Whether you Believe in God and more importantly, Whether you Believe in Yourself.
The passage talks about a European Girl in Bombay and her relationship with this Man. A Bad Man who took Advantage of her, who did not love her.
But she Loved Him.
“She Loved the guy. She did it for him. She would’ve done anything for him. Some women are like that. Some loves are like that. Most Loves are like that, from what I can see. “
And this is the part that is brilliant, and describes exactly what I did and let my marriage become. I let it take over My Life and Take Over Me.
And somehow through it all, I lost myself. I lost the True Me.
“Your heart starts to feel like an overcrowded lifeboat. You throw your pride out to keep it afloat, and your self-respect and your independence.
After a while you start throwing people out — your friends, everyone you used to know.
And it’s Still Not Enough. The lifeboat is sinking, and you know it’s going to take you down with it.”
My Marriage sank, and took me down with it.
But something saved me. Something that some people May Call God,
But I call it My Reserve.
Something Deep in My Soul that pulled me up, that didn’t want me to Die Drowning.
She called out to me and said,
"It’s Not Your Time. Not Now.
So Breathe. Just Breathe, and I’ll Help You Up".
And so I did. I have to Remind Myself Every Day to Breathe.
My tennis teacher reminds me of that every week as we’re hitting on the courts.
He says, “Sepi, don’t forget to Breathe!”.
Ha! Cause it’s true. I have forgotten how to Breathe, because sometimes it’s just too painful.
It Makes My Heart Hurt
And it’s funny because after Losing a Great Love, you have to Learn All Over again How To Be Human.
How to Eat, How to Sleep, How to work, How to Breathe, even How to Love Again.
And it’s Remarkable really. That Life Goes On. And it Wills You to Go On.
And I Love Life for that Reason.
Thank You Life for Giving me Another Chance.
So What is Love?
Love is Exhilarating but Terrifying. Like Jumping into Deep Ocean Waters.
The Unknown.
In the End that is What Love Is.
It’s an Ocean of the Unknown. And somehow we Must Explore It, even though we know we may Risk it All and Face Many Dangers along the way.
And Knowing, that We May Never Get Anything in Return.
But for that Reason Love and Life is Beautiful. Crazy Really.
So I will leave you with these words:
Just Let Love Be.
Let Love be, and She Will Find You, You and Me.
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