Letting Go

Letting Go

9:30 pm. I was late

So what did I want tonight and what was my mood?

It was all a mystery to me.

And I went through the motions without a care in my mind.

I thought to myself as we walked down the street and into the lounge that it’s just comforting to hear another voice, a new voice, someone who really looks at you and speaks his mind and shares a part of who he is.

What is it about trying to read someone’s mind in an instant that is so perplexing? And realizing we can’t penetrate those walls because there is a boundary that we can’t push beyond?

I turned towards him and looked up at his face.

There is something so perfect about taking in all the beautiful curves of a person's face, memorizing every angle with drunken bliss, watching his pursed lips, the feeling of his lips against mine, like time did not exist, 

Melting into his shoulder and his embrace like there was no letting go. 

I liked the way he smelled and the feeling of warmth emanating from his neck and chest,

And I wanted to grab the collar of his shirt and pull him closer to me and 

Never let go of that moment

Then I looked up, and there was the expression again that I just couldn’ t read that was so mystifying but beautiful.

Was it sadness, was it boredom, was it another girl? 

I didn’t know

And there were people, lots of people. He seemed to know everyone

What is he, the owner of this place? 

Haha. How do I end up with all the popular people?

But it was great. It was a side of him I liked to see and that told me a little bit more about who he is.

But he let me go at the end of the night. 

And despite the disappointment, I realized the night ended the way it should have, as we walked down the sidewalk together hand in hand, 

It ended the way it was meant to.

Because somehow it was more meaningful watching him walk down that sidewalk and disappear into the night, leaving me wondering where his mind and his heart were taking him and why he was walking away from me.

No Chemistry.

I stopped breathing.

Was I too old, was I too chatty, was I not pretty enough or sexy enough, not naughty enough?

Is there someone more meaningful in his life?

Did he think I was boring, too good for him because of my degrees, because I was too far ahead of him in life, that I really didn’t like him and just want a fling, that he's the rebound, that I would break his heart, that he was just a filler in the long empty, sad life I was living in this moment?

And he said, “You’ll forget about me soon”

And I said I wouldn’t.

I know I wouldn’t — because he came into my life at a pivotal moment and because he was different from the rest.

Maybe he is a lot younger, but  I could tell from just the few interactions we had together that he saw and felt life in a way most people can’t see or feel.

And what was most important is that he recognized me and took a chance on me.

And a big part of me hoped he wouldn’t forget about me either.

Because somehow I feel I’m always forgotten it seems.

An Afterthought, nothing important.

At least that's how I mostly felt for 7 years

And a big part of me fears it will always be like that,

that I will never find love again, that she will always elude me, 

that I will never be truly appreciated for who I am.

And I realize that life has no meaning without love

It has no color,  no taste, no spark, no fire.

That is why we all need art and creativity to help us heal and to help make the pain go away. 

To help us forget until the next time

Then I suddenly remembered what she said just a few hours before, as I was leaving the graduation party.

“He’s on life support. He has ARDS. Somehow I wish he would just die because it would make it easier” than to see him die a slow death.

It was one of my colleagues talking about her brother-in-law on the West Coast.

He and his wife have a 3 week old baby.

But he got in a car accident.

A car accident

Accident. God, how I dread those words!

And his life and everyone’s lives around him changed in an instant.

The light was gone

And that’s what I mean, that Life is a crapshoot.

A toss of the dice and see where you land. 

Everything seems predetermined and random at the same time,

Just like the Universe.

We are all living in a microcosm that is a reflection of the chaos of the Universe.

We go through life blindfolded, completely vulnerable and fragile

Hoping and Struggling

And it leaves me asking yet again, what is our purpose here on earth?

Why are we living this struggle?

What are we supposed to achieve?

There has to be something more than living until age 85 or 90 and telling your grandchildren before you die about all the great things you did when you could truly live and were not confined to a walker or wheelchair in your home
Or worse yet, dying young and not being able to fully experience it all and live to tell about it.
I guess that is my biggest fear.
That and dying alone. Ha! The unconscious and the conscious mind - so disturbing and perplexing.
Sometimes I ask myself, who is in there really?

And I wondered if I would ever see him again or hear from him again,

This interesting and mysterious person.

The music, the beat, the laughs, the way he feels, the comedy --

He is a beautiful person really,

A someone I was just beginning to know

As we walked down the street,

I tucked him into my heart, knowing he will always be there.

I just need to Remember.

As I started the car, the tears rolled down my face.

But they were hot tears, soothing.

They were not the same tears of loss I felt just the other night - that moment when I stared into the beautiful crimson sky, and desperation called out to me and got a hold of me, and I had to pull over and weep uncontrollably.

Imperial IPA 9%. That’ll get the tears rolling!

I laughed and brushed the tears away, 

And I drove off down the road into the night wondering if they were tears of disappointment or sadness.

I didn’t know which and it did’t seem to matter.

Sometimes the unexpected is exactly what needs to happen,

And disappointment is just a door to a better self and a better world and towards a higher level of understanding what drives us.

What makes us human.

What makes us feel.

What makes us tick.

What makes us reach for something greater.

And I realized I wouldn’t be writing this if it weren’t for him.

If he didn’t come into my life on that fateful night.

We all need our Muse. 

We all need someone to move us and shake us in this world, 

Someone to wake us up, slap us in the face and show us how to start living!

And the light went out.

The conversation on the phone with my ex. 

Cold, dead. Unfeeling. 

It’s amazing how someone can be so cold in one moment and so full of feeling and love in another.

It’s scary when you have seen the light in that person and then in a flash it’s gone. He talks to me like there was nothing really ever there between us, like he never really loved me

Then I thought, some people can truly feel love freely and express love freely.

What is it that turns that off or on inside a person? Why do some people have it and others don't? 

What is it that turns us on or off to the world?

What is it that stimulates us and motivates us?

I firmly believe that when we let our creativity die, a large part of our soul dies.
And maybe that is what I am really sad about. Letting a part of me die with my relationship.
How could I do that?

I’m left wondering where my creativity is.

She’s been left hung out to dry. 

She’s been gathering dust and sadness in my dark closet

Depressed and Alone, she is singing sad songs to herself hoping someone will hear her and open the door.

No Chemistry.

Hmmm. I didn’t even know what he meant by that. 

I felt his hand down the small of my back, then later grab my leg gently with just the right pressure.

No Chemistry.

Maybe he was teasing me. Maybe he just wanted me to write about it.

There must be someone else. Who he was going off to see?, I asked myself.

And I felt hurt for just a second, then thought, Good for him!

He needs to go do that.

Maybe I was getting a taste of my own medicine.

Bitter. Like swallowing arsenic

Madame Bovary

And the darkness enveloped me and made me invisible to the world,

and I felt safe again.

Nonexistent. 

Free,

A shape shifter wandering off into the dark night

So is there really one True love or is it really just a crapshoot?

I thought I found my other half

But he didn’t last

And sometimes I think we can love a lot of people.

I mean truly love a lot of people.

And isn’t it better that way?

Why is it that we want to hold on to one love so tightly?

Why don’t we want to let go?

Why is it that it has such a strong hold on us?

And I remembered his smile and the curve of his beautiful dimple that was like a question mark, an invitation, to let me feel, to let me smile

to let me be in the moment with him.

And sometimes those are the moments you remember the most and that matter the most.

The moments where we feel connected to someone,

Feel Human,

Where we know that someone else understands us,

Understands our heart and Empathizes with us 

I drove into Stowe. It was still, quiet night, not a sound.

The lights were on in the storefronts.

The town looked like a little world captured in a snow globe,

It was perfect and still, twinkling, taking it’s hat off to me and greeting me.

I greeted him back. It was comforting.

Home.

I stepped out of the car and gathered my things.

Home.

I don’t even know where that is anymore or what that means.

Then I looked up at the sky, and the stars sparkled and winked at me.

The air wrapped its arms around me. It felt cool and refreshing.

As I walked up to the door of my apartment, a familiar smell came over me. 

The smell of pine and wood.

A comforting scent that took me back to my childhood and the smell of my aunt’s house in Germany.

I felt safe.

Then I remembered his smell as I nuzzled into his neck and lost myself in the moment, a moment that I wanted to last forever

But I didn’t feel quite myself tonight.

Something was off, but I tried to let it go.

Maybe he sensed it too. Maybe he had the same feeling.

Who knows.

You can never force anything, I say to myself. It just is or isn’t. 

And sometimes it all about the direction of the wind that night. 

Ha ;)

2 am. I’m Home. 

I'm thinking of the Anna Nalick song: "2 AM and I'm still awake, writing a song

If I get it all down on paper, it's no longer inside of me,”

Wondering where everyone in my life is at this moment

Wondering where he is at that moment.

Were they Sleeping, out, partying, drinking, crying, laughing, with someone, alone?

And I realized the darkness is just another path towards the light.

That we wouldn’t know the light without darkness

That we wouldn’t strive for happiness and something better if we didn’t go through dark times.

Sigh.

Tomorrow will be another day. With sadness.

And surprises.

And smiles and Sunshine and Adventure

And thinking of Him. And remembering the good times.

Thank you for giving me a little bit of sunshine tonight.

However brief it may have been,

It was Perfect. Beautiful Really.

Goodnight, for now.

“Love may be the end of us, but why should we fear?” - Courtney Jones, Weightless 

Forever Love (Digame) - Anna Nalick